Curse

Sagra · Feb 11, 2010, 06:48 AM // 06:48

Looking for opinions, good, bad, or indifferent! Thanks in advance, and hoping this isn't a wall of text

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Growing up a farmer’s daughter in the foothills of Ascalon, from a young age Sagra had dreams about what it would be like to adventure. She had read stories about her ancestors; how they had fought in the Guild Wars for the honor that binds the families born on fields of battle and in the dreams of idealism.

When she had reached the age of sixteen, she fell deeply in love with the most unlikely of suitors. Ridge was the younger son of one of the most influential Dukes in the kingdom of Rin.

He had been joyriding with his friends throughout the lands when he heard her singing while tending the animals.
Her voice had captivated him. The song, which he had never heard, seemed to touch his heart; like his own mother singing a soothing lullaby. He had to know what creature had brought such a thing of beauty into this reality.

(Here I feel I could go into more detail about their respective appearances.)

When he introduced himself, Sagra bowed, as was expected of her. She was honored to have him compliment her so dearly. He asked then for her to wait for him. Having had no other suitors, she gleefully obliged; all the while maintaining a somewhat cool exterior to prevent him from knowing he had her heart completely.

They met several times in private, for neither she nor he knew what their families would make of the situation. They shared a pious and chaste love, but lived out a torrid life of secrets and lies.

“We must end this charade. I am free to choose whom I wish to marry. I shall make my intentions known to both our fathers. I will have you as my bride, and I shall be your faithful husband!” Ridge proclaimed.

“Do what you must, dearest, but please remember, our love is something I do not wish to lose. I would so love to have you for my husband, and I your devoted wife.” Sagra said tearfully.

The next week went by as Ridge made the arrangements. His father reluctantly obliged him her hand in marriage as a reinforcement of social equality in the kingdom. Perhaps that would encourage the lower classes to gain trust and respect for the nobility. Secretly he wished his son all the happiness that would also be gained.

Sagra’s family were overjoyed at the news that she would have the privilege that would come with a noble wedding. They were wed in the family gardens surrounded by nature, and the light of the sun blessed their union.

All their happiness would soon turn into despair.

It was on the eve of their first anniversary. Ridge had rode out with his men to gather fine presents for his lovely wife, who was expecting their first child. On the road, they came across a gang of bandits.

“Your money or your life, brigand!” one of the bandits scowled.

“Take all I have, just please let me return to my wife!” Ridge pleaded.

“Wife? Well, she must be a fair lass! What says we follow you home and have a look at all the treasures ye own!” the bandit chortled.

“I’d rather you taste my steel!” Ridge screamed as they dove into combat.
(Had I any talent at writing action scenes, it would be placed here)
He never returned home.

Sagra knew something was wrong. She could feel it creep from her fingers through her bones. Something had happened. Her soul’s light was gone.

Gone.

The sadness came over her like a black veil, and she cried tears of pain so harsh they smelled of decay. She trembled, and knew that she was changing physically as well.

Her skin began to pale. She felt cold. She could feel her child disappearing inside her, like he was never there at all. She was dying.

“NO!!!” Sagra cried out. “This can’t be happening! What could we have done to deserve this fate?”

Suddenly, the answer appeared to her. She had done nothing to deserve her fate, but it was hers.

She felt an unknown power flowing through her body which had now begun to glow a faint green.

“Foul….Creature….Beast….Creation….Villai n! I curse you! I shall become creation! You shall not control my body! I shall control the bodies of those you destroy!”

Her pain had transformed her, and with this new power she vowed to transform those who suffer and die. She would redeem them and control them to aid her in her quest—for revenge, for honor, for understanding.

shoyon456 · Feb 11, 2010, 07:52 AM // 07:52

Its nice, but somewhat generic and removed from the GW world other than the physical setting. The whole rich prince marrying a poor farmer girl seems a bit cliche to me.

Although I recently removed my character's backstory because im paranoid about my ign now, I tend to like to weave in lore references/gods/culture of the nation (Kryta, Orr, Ascalon, Cantha, Elona). Its important to know some basic GW lore. For example, just because your character is born Ascalonian, his/her ancestry may come from Cantha/Elona. There was a much earlier period in history when there was free trade among the nations. However, don't let yourself be bound by sticking points in history. Even though trade was prohibited at a point, there will always be smugglers or people who break those laws.

For example, I have been trying to get time for awhile now to do a series about my permapre char, who became a member of the Flaming Scepter Mages prior to the Searing. Stuff like that that can make the general history of a nation become an individual story appeals to me. Ascalon is great to use because of the Searing, as long as it doesn't become cliche. However, Kryta also could have some great personal stories stemming from the Lionguard/White Mantle/Mursaat, and Elona from the Princes/treasures/Sunspears/Corsairs.

Conclusion: Make it personal. Use GW history loosely unless its a concrete event. Avoid stereotypes/cliches. A good way to make it personal and thus avoid cliches is to go into detail about events that shape the character. Yours is very idealistic, but why? Did she grow up in a very close-knit supportive family? Were her mistakes shrugged off by her family as inevitable? What kind of mistakes did she make, what was her reaction (mental and phys), etc....?

Sorry if I sound like a pretentious ahole, just trying to help.

Sagra · Feb 11, 2010, 08:16 AM // 08:16

I appreciate your criticism. I am a noob when it comes to GW lore, I bet that's a little obvious

I was a little worried about getting something wrong and getting called out for it. Also, to start with, I had her as an illegitimate child of nobility, but couldn't come up with a viable way to add that in. Even I'll admit that's a little cliche as well

Lidiya · Feb 13, 2010, 08:43 PM // 20:43

I love your use of words, refreshing.
Though reminds me of Sleeping Beauty in the first part

Sagra · Feb 14, 2010, 04:58 AM // 04:58

Thanks so much for your comment

I am re-working this and will post revisions very soon!

shoyon456 · Feb 14, 2010, 10:03 PM // 22:03

Looking better. I need to pull back on my earlier "no cliche" thing. I mean Avatar was a total cliche, but it was awesome. My own story series has alot of cliche elements too.

Cliches can be good